Warriors of the Wasteland
Sit back, relax, and try to enjoy the best post-apocalyptic movie of all time.This movie opens with a semi-decently constructed model city being pummeled by an asteroid. Cue the techno music. The funny thing about the city is that it hasn't all been destroyed. All the asteroid did was cause all the buildings' lights to go off and now there's just a bunch of smoke everywhere and the opening credits roll.
The camera pans over debris and garbage and some kind of special space suit looking thing that has helmets for the boobs. Huh? So in the future boobs are going to need their own clear plastic covering? Interesting... Ah, the screen reads, "2019 A.D. The nuclear holocaust is over.". So it wasn't an asteroid at all. It was a nuclear bomb. Whatever you say, movie.
A small community of people have gathered around a radio and are trying to communicate with the outside world. A man named Anus
dishes out rationed food. One lady says, "Just think, if the rest of the world were still alive.". Doesn't that kind of go without
saying? I mean, everyone in the world has died and that's the best you can come up with?Uh oh, bad news has just arrived in the form of The Templars. What can I say about The Templars? They're a gang of bad boy hooligans that plunder and pillage. They wear all white and basically look like storm troopers with large shoulder pads and weird 80's glam hairstyles.
They drive motorcycles and dune buggies while firing their lasers. For no reason whatsoever, there are a bunch
of kegs stacked on the back of a flat bed. Naturally, a buggy drives up a conveniently placed ramp and crashes through them. A
Templar with a pink mohawk starts laughing like a maniac/14 year old and blows up a car with a laser thingy. The villagers start dying
off in the usual ways; not paying attention to the person driving directly at them, someone stops to look at a bad guy, a gun jams.
One guy decides he's had enough and starts to high tail it on out of there. Not so fast, wise guy. You're not gettin' away that easy.
A Templar chases him down in his dune buggy. The man stumbles. The Templar pulls up and stops in front of him, activates a flame
thrower that's attached to his buggy and fries the dude up. Another guy tries to get away. Pink mohawk guy does not like this at all. 
He activates a windmill blade that extends from his car. They pull up next to the guy, who also stumbles. Without missing a beat the
guy's head (or rather, a mechanical dummy's head) is taken clean off. The dummy starts jerking around. It's pretty funny, actually.
The Templars get out of their vehicles to walk around the village they've destroyed. "Shadow" is tossed "The Jerusalem Bible". He
gives it to their leader, called One, who "tears" it in half and exclaims, Books! That's what started the whole apocalypse! He
throws it to the ground. Shadow and One talk about mohawk guy, Mako, and how he's going to be made the new leader when One steps down.
Seriously? Mako is about as bright as Cody from Step-by-Step only Mako isn't ever going to go jail for beating his wife. Keep reading
to find out why.Night falls.
Woah, this movie is taken to a whole new level with the appearance of toilet paper people. What are these things, lepers? I think these actors are literally wrapped in toilet paper. And all they do is dance around like monkeys scrounging for remnants of the villagers. They're scared away by the appearance of a car with a glowing green bubble dome.
The man gets out of the car and observes the carnage. He quickly dispatches of 7 lepers who try to sneak up on him. He also
kills a miserable desperate survivor. Though honestly, I'm not sure the survivor appreciates having cheap pyrotechnics shot at his
face. The next morning, the car guy, whose car looks suspiciouly a lot like the batmobile, but even crappier, drives up next to an ice
cream truck wrapped in tin foil. A really lame lasergun/slingshot scene ensues between the guy and what turns out to be a kid friend
from the past. Is this what friends do after the apocalypse? They pretend to try to kill each other? This scene
is kind of pointless other than to introduce us to the kid and the professional driver that doubles as the kid after he fixes the guy's
transmission and starts doing doughnuts.Back to The Templars. They're on the road and have surrounded an RV looking thing. They use their car weaponry to rip a hole in the "armor" and set it on fire with the flame thrower. Two occupants bail. One guy gets pinned against a small cliff and is impaled by the spear at the end of Shadow's dune buggy. The other person, who can only be described as a mix between Catwoman, Xena, and a massive wedgie, gets chased down but is saved by the man in the green domed car. I wish I knew this guy's name. This is starting to get annoying. He, Shadow, and Mako stare each other down and do a kind of three way chicken fight with their cars. They all chicken out and hit the brakes before impact. Mako jumps out of his car to take care of business but Shadow stops him because he knows that the guy in the car will rip him to pieces. I guess they have a past. Yes. Indeed they do. And we find out the name of the guy in the green domed car, it's - are you ready for this? - Scorpion. Scorpion picks up the chick and drives away.
At The Templars' camp, One discusses with Shadow what to do about Scorpion. Mako is eavesdropping on them and later discusses with two random Templars a plan to "demote" the old leadership. I guess he couldn't figure out that One actually likes him and wants him to take over.
Scorpion and the girl get it on in some sort of see through plastic tube. Is this tube supposed to be a "tent of the future" or will this be a standard way of having sex in the post-apocalyptic world to come?
The next day, Scorpion and the girl are out driving around when, all of a sudden, they're ambushed by some Templars. One of them fires a mine at the car which magnetically sticks to Scorpion's car door. Scorpion is not impressed. With the push of a button, Scorpion's door goes flying and lands next to a Templar buggy and explodes. Apparently, Scorpion knew that at some point during his life he would need a car door with the ability to fly 40 feet off its hinges. A few moments later, Scorpion is on foot being chased by Mako's buggy and the windmill of death. He's almost caught up to him when a large black man fires an exploding arrow and gives Scorpion a ditch to jump in. Scorpion jumps onto Mako's buggy and the two go at it for a while until Scorpion finishes the battle by forcing Mako under the car. The large black man shoots an arrow at a Templar and sticks it right in his neck. Boom! The fight ends and Scorpion tells one of the Templars to take Mako's body back to One as a warning. Scorpion and the girl drive off a ways and pull off to the side of the road. The large black man (Nadir is his name) comes by and, of course, they're old "friends", too. Nadir takes them to a group of people he knows to get some medical supplies for the girl.
Back at the Templar camp, One is leading a burial service for Mako and is punishing Mako's followers (the one that's left) for
acting out without One's approval. One gives a tear-jerking eulogy:You knew our rules, Mako; disobey and you die. I'd have shown you no more mercy than I'll show your followers, because we show no mercy. We are the Templars, the warriors of vengance. We are the Templars, the high priests of death. We have been chosen to make others pay for the crime of being alive. We guarantee that all humanity, accomplices and heirs of the nuclear holocaust, will be wiped out once and for all; that the seed of man will be canceled forever from the face of the earth; and you, Mako, were the chosen one among the Templars. My heart bleeds because you disobeyed the rules and proceeded us into the great darkness. But you yearned, because you wanted to be worthy of One, for this we will honor you. We'll offer you a thousand, ten thousand stupid lives. So, I say to you, Templars, hate, hate, with all your hearts hate, hate and exterminate!
At a small camp where I presume Nadir, Scorpion, and the girl are about to arrive, a group of people hear a radio signal and conclude that the signal is coming from somewhere no more than 10 miles away. We learn that the nuclear apocalypse occurred nine years ago. Say what? So, let me get this straight. We've now seen two groups of people receive radio signals, Templars and non-Templars cross each other's paths continuously, and over the last nine years none of these people have "found" each other and a radio signal is being broadcast from less than 10 miles away? Has anyone thought of climbing a hill and looking around?
Nadir, Scorpion, and the girl arrive and are welcomed cautiously into the camp. They agree to help the girl's broken shoulder for no trade. Scorpion asks Nadir why they are so nice, Nadir responds it's because they believe in something called, "God". It's only been nine years after a nuclear apocalypse and most people have forgotten what God is? 2019 is so crazy! Here we are in the year 2012, we should have forgotten about God 2 years ago!
The Christian camp apparently has a black harlot (actually, offering sex appears to be her life's calling) living with them and
they offer her to Nadir. They spend some alone time together where Nadir asks her if she offers the "deep concentration service."
She replies, "Yes, but I don't do all that much work. Most of the guys here in the caravan are already paired off." Nadir replies,
"That's too bad. For them." She continues, "I will need to work on my biorhythmic concentration. It's been a while since I've
done it." They then start to make some small talk. She asks Nadir if he thinks the signal is real, if there's really a corner of the
world still left the way it used to be. "Corner of the world"? The signal's less than 10 miles away!Alma, the girl that Scorpion saved, gets help from The Wiz, at least that's what he goes by. They call him The Wiz because when things break, they bring them to him, even though by his own admission he's never had any training in anything. Well, what can you say about this guy, he's The Wiz, nobody beats him!
The next morning, Scorpion leaves the camp without Nadir and Alma. He gets ambushed by a group of about 10 Templars. They force him onto a road where all the Templars are waiting for him. They capture him.
What happens next is beyond words. Scorpion is tied up to an apparatus. One begins:"Scorpion, you didn't want to live as a Templar, but you'll die as one. I, One, am the high priest and executor of your initiation." One rips the back side of Scorpion's pants and exposes his bum. Shadow walks over and pulls some levers forcing Scorpion to bend over. Scorpion is then "initiated" with some weird electronic music accompaniment.
The initiation is interrupted by the announcement that a caravan has been spotted so they're going to go plunder it. A few Templars stay behind to keep an eye on Scorpion. Nadir pulls up on the Templars camp the next morning to find Scorpion being dragged around by a buggy. Nadir, of course, kills them and gloats to Scorpion.
The Christian camp gets attacked by the Templars. As One makes his typical "There is no one left" speech, a Templar car drives
up and crashes. Inside, dead, are the three Templars left behind to watch Scorpion. The Templars realize it's a trap and before you
know it Scorpion, Nadir, and the kid show up blowing stuff up. Shadow is killed by Scorpion in the battle while One makes his escape.
Nadir and the kid pull off some pretty ridiculous stunts to kill people such as tossing grenades backwards over their shoulders into
open windows and slingshotting people's necks, which kills them.Scorpion gets in his car (which only took the kid a few hours to fix after One blew up the engine a few scenes ago) and chases down One. Scorpion unveils his new weapon, a 20 foot long giant drill which he forces into the backside of One's car and through One's back. I guess this is some kind of poetic justice for Scorpion getting drilled by One in his backside.
One is dead and so the Templars are finally destroyed. Nadir and the harlot go off together and Scorpion, Alma, and the kid are now one big weird post-apocalyptic family.
The End.
In The Future...
Sex will take place in see-through green tents...
Plastic tubes will be in over-abundance and can therefore be used for anything...
Boobs will need to see out of their protective suits...
Funerals will be humiliating...
Cars will be humiliating...
The future will be humiliating!
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neal - 23:54:14, Mar-23-11
that is the worst movie i have ever read. I feel like i just had one of
marilyn manson's wet dreams. well, off to bed for me. wish me luck.